Friday, September 27, 2013

Everybody Run...Obamacare Is Coming!

For my international readers, this may seem unimportant to you--but you can at least stick your tongue out and say, "Ahhh!"  and also, "America, why do you make health care so complicated?"  In which, I would add, "Eww.  Close your mouth.  Your uvula is showing."  However, as for the question at hand there is a simple explanation for this, but it's complicated.  I actually have no idea why we have the health care system that we do.  All I know is that if we fix it, we threaten the livelihood of debt collection agencies who love shaking money out of those deadbeats who can't pay their child's $1 million dollar cancer bill.  We at least have a system of celebrities out there who are sometimes willing to put on benefit concerts, so if we had reasonable health care coverage, we risk losing one of our most cherished traditions.  

Anyway, why am I wasting my precious time as a fiction writer bringing all this up?  Well, Obamacare is a story waiting to happen.  And, you could end it with several different outcomes.  Conservative writers could go with what I would call the fear-based Fox News ending.  Progressives could write the utopian MSNBC ending.  For the CNN ending as long as it has bad-ass graphics involving holograms, Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, and a Piers Morgan interview (can you believe Larry King is on RT television? Crazy, huh), it doesn't really matter.  So, I present my vision for four possible story-starters for any would-be authors anxious to take up these projects.

The International Version: 
"Hey, Charlie, why'd you wait so long to get that infection checked out?" asked Charlie's golf buddy Jim. 
"Well," said Charlie, "I didn't think it was a big deal.  The wife kept nagging me and said us men shouldn't always hold off going to the doctor's.  Doctors, blah, who needs 'em?  They're always like diabetes this and diabetes that.  I'm an American.  I can do what I want."
Jim chuckled, "Yeah, I hear ya.  So, didn't Obamacare help at all?"
"Obamacare?  Who needs that when there's Webmd?" Charlie scoffed.
Nodding in agreement, Jim answered, "I know what you mean.  I know what you mean.  Well, here's your house, Charlie.  Need any help?"
"Well, if you could just carry my head to the door and leave it on the step, Bev or the kids will eventually come along.  Life's just not the same since that full body amputation."

The Fox News Version:
"Dad, can I go outside and play?" asked Robert's 8-year-old son.  "We've been down here in our survival bunker for two years."
"Ah, Sammy, I wish I could let you do that.  But you know it ain't safe out there with all those marauding liberals looking to steal what we have.  Damn!  Why'd they shove Obamacare down our throats and ruin America.  It serves them right.  Now they have to eat their own children."  Robert hated to say no, but what choice did he have.  If only someone could have stopped Obamacare...
"What if Suzie and I bring our AR-15's along?  Liberals won't mess with us, then.  They're never armed.  Crazy.  Isn't that right Dad?"
"Well, let's think about it after dinner.  Hey, Carol," he hollered to his wife.  "Do we have any more of that freeze dried beef?"

The MSNBC Version:
"Hey, Dad, can Suzie and I go ride our unicorns after dinner?  The rainbow tonight is very bright this evening."  Sammy just loved riding his blue stallion of a unicorn.
"Sammy, ever since the Affordable Care Act signed by President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, there's a beautiful rainbow everyday," Robert mused in delight.
"Daddy, look," Suzie came in.  "I found a leprechaun."
"That's nice, honey.  And, once you find his gold, you can just tell him to keep it.  Thanks to President Obama and the Affordable Care Act, why...we middle-class Americans, who have always played by the rules but are now out of work through no fault of our own, never have to worry about going broke ever again.  Hey, I have a great idea.  Let's all go ride our clean energy-driven unicorns together."
"Yea!" both Sammy and Suzie said together.
"Hey, wait a second.  Let's first eat our organically-grown, gluten-free with no gmo's dinner first, and then go ride our clean energy-driven unicorns," said Carol, Robert's wife.  
"That's a great idea, Carol.  I'm hungry.  And guess what kids, tomorrow we get to go to your Uncle Steve's gay wedding.  They're having organically-grown, gluten-free with no gmo's wedding cake."
"Yea!" both Sammy and Suzie said together.

The CNN Version:
"As you can see Wolf, I can send you a copy of the whole rules of Obamacare right through our new holographic system," exclaimed Anderson.  
"That's great.  But now, we end our coverage to bring you Piers Morgan."
"Tonight we have a crazy guest who always says crazy, incoherent nonsense about how twerking is destroying Miley Cyrus."

There you go.  Any writer interested in taking these situations and turning them into a novel, screenplay, etc, feel free to run with them.  So long for now.  Be good to yourselves.

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