Well, it all started when my father met my mother, two people who couldn't even stand each other, but...okay, that's too much information. Really, my first bout of creative writing was in fourth grade on one fateful Valentine's Day. I wrote "I hate you" on the back of a valentine. Whose idea was it to force a group of kids to give-out sappy sentiments to each other, even to those we despised? By fourth grade, kids know not everyone is your friend, so why this nonsense? Just give us the treats. I had to apology in front of the whole class, but instead I threw a fit (swearing the whole time, including the f-word) and had to be escorted out--literally, a nearby teacher flung me on his back and carried me to the office. I hate Valentine's Day.
So, besides hating Valentine's Day, I will list ten additional factoids (was this word ever banned?) about myself. This is not an exhaustive list or in any semblance of order.
- I always drive the speed limit, sometimes slightly faster. Why? Why not? Why be in a hurry? Getting pulled over for a traffic violation--what a hassle. If you get stuck behind me, then I've saved you a hassle, too. You can thank me by giving me a one finger wave.
- I love satire, political or otherwise. Dave Berry, Matt Groening (you know, the Simpsons), certain comic strips (Dilbert, the Far Side, Calvin & Hobbes, Bloom County), Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, are just a few satirists that remind us--life is sometimes sucky, so you might as well think of it as a comedy show.
- The only paranormal experiences I wish I had more of: UFO's and Sasquatch. They are the two things I wish were proven true. Ghosts--not so interested. If I saw dead people, I'm fine with that. I know some people are really into ghosts and that's cool. Or should I say ghoul.
- Lake Michigan is my favorite body of water. It's one of the wonders of the world and I can drive to it in under an hour. So much smaller than the oceans, yet I see it and just can't get over how impressive it is. It looks like an ocean, but when I drink it...well, I don't drink right from Lake Michigan, it may be fresh water, but I think there's a few contaminants in it. Watching the sunset over it, is amazing.
- I love the following weather events: a good thunderstorm, a blinding snow storm (where the snow is fluffy and not heavy, wet snow) or better yet, a blizzard, a windy, blustery fall day with a chill in the air, frigid temperatures, hot, humid weather, and rainbows.
- I love a good conspiracy theory and I am inclined to believe them. For the longest time I thought the three countries of North America would come together in an E.U. type alliance. All currency would be replaced with the Amero and a superhighway was being constructed that would stretch from the Yucatan Pennisula to the Yukon Territory. It was supposedly being built secretly. Then, I thought, how could you hide building a highway of that magnitude. "Hey, what's that?" "What?" "Is that a highway?" "No, you're just imagining things." I am holding out hope for a New World Order, though. Come on Freemasons, what's taking you so long.
- I am fearful that America has become a hobbled, grotesque giant that roars and stomps around threatening to pounce on tinier nations (See number 6). We can't even see it. Everyone else sees it, but we can't. I hope I'm wrong.
- I am fearful American currency is worthless (again, see number 6) and no better than Monopoly money. I hope I'm wrong with this, too. I like our money. It's artsy.
- I love pie more than cake.
- I wished I had a PH.D. level knowledge of physics and frustrated that I don't. I watch "The Big Bang Theory" in hopes I might learn something.
If you have any great conspiracy theories in which you thought or wished were true but aren't, let me know. Maybe I could believe in them if you can't.
Until then, be good to yourselves.
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