Friday, May 16, 2014

Revised excerpts

Okay...I'm going to post the biggest revision to Book 1 of JM the Super Powerful. It's the opening to chapter 1. To read the original opening, click here

Chapter 1: Captured by Etyouth

Gone. All of them…gone. My whole family…there was nothing left of them—all except for me. I saw what that beast did to them. Now it prowled after me, sniffing the air, hoping to catch my scent. It stalked me on its hindquarters humanlike, only it possessed fangs and claws, just ripe for the ripping and tearing of human flesh. Like that of my family…and it wasn’t through. That creature wanted more, hungry for me—or anyone else it could find. Looming over fifty feet tall with a dog-like snout, it would show no mercy, so I cowered inside my house, peeking outside the living room window. My house had missed all of its furniture, and I wasn’t sure what happened to it. Keeping my attention on the creature, it had a word carved into its chest in red-jagged lettering. It was a name…a name that read “HTUOYTE.”

As it moved down the street, a girl on a bike came from the other direction. She had light brown or dark blond hair cascading wildly to her shoulders, deep brown eyes, and freckles. The girl looked familiar, but I couldn’t remember who she was. She couldn’t have been much older than I was, but she acted as if she didn’t even see the creature. If it couldn’t find me, it would certainly use her as alternative prey. Wearing a halter-top and shorts with pink and orange stripes, she pedaled past my house, until she finally noticed the beast. Her face became flush as she realized a meager twenty yards separated them. She didn’t even brake, but bounded right off the still rolling bike, and skidded hard on the pavement. Wincing at her left elbow that now sported a nasty wound she remembered her more pressing, life-threatening problem with the creature now rapidly approaching. That thing would kill her for sure, but she just laid there unsure of what to do!

Even though I wanted to stay safe in my house, I couldn’t let her become the next meal for that beast. Risking my own life, I ran out the front door to the sidewalk she laid on, and I said in my high, nasally child voice, “Get up!” I offered my hand, and she took it. Then, I pulled her up onto her feet. “Run to my house!” So, I gestured towards my front door, which I left wide open. Not wanting her to die, I indicated to her to go ahead of me. At first, she stared at me like I was crazy for letting her go first, and the terror in her eyes told me that the creature was closing in right behind me. “Get out of here!” I commanded through my tears, knowing I was making a self-sacrificing choice. She quickly scrambled to the safety of my house, while the beast pounced on me. To this horrific cat, I was a mere mouse. The creature sank its teeth into my body and my bones crunched. Realizing I had been bitten in half, I screamed…

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